Love Reading Books

StrengthsFinder 2.0 by Tom Rath (Gallup, 2007)

A few years ago for his birthday, my dad decided that, instead of giving him presents, he wanted us all to read the book Now, Discover Your Strengths and take the accompanying online assessment. he had just finished the book and was obviously excited. Marcus Buckingham and Donald Clifton explain the ideas behind the “strength revolution.”

Instead of this book, I ended up reading Tom Rath’s StrengthsFinder 2.0, a shorter continued text explaining the different strengths identified when the reader takes the online assessment. Rath explains the necessity to rethink how we view ourselves:

“At its fundamentally flawed core, the aim of almost any learning program is to help us become who we are not.”

For example, even if students don’t excel in certain areas of study, they are still required to pursue it with the same vigor as for their strengths. While learning from mistakes is a valuable process, too much time focused here can be stifling.

Rath continues, “In every culture we have studied, the overwhelming majority of parents think that a student’s lowest grades deserve the most time and attention. Parents and teachers reward excellence with apathy instead of investing more time in the areas where a child has the most potential for greatness.”

I took the quiz and read the whole book the day I got it. With the assessment, you get your top five strengths, each coming with plans of action. It’s a useful tool in helping you identify a few major skills to pursue instead of halfway chasing things that aren’t bolstered by your strengths.

I found out that my weird habits don’t have to be a detriment. for example, one of my “strengths” is Input.

“You are inquisitive. you collect things […] Whatever you collect, you collect it because it interests you. and yours is the kind of mind that finds so many things interesting […] if you like to travel, it is because each new location offers novel artifacts and facts. These can be acquired and then stored away. Why are they worth storing? At the time of storing it is often hard to say exactly when or why you might need them, but who knows when they might become useful? With all those possible uses in mind, you really don’t feel comfortable throwing anything away […] its interesting. it keeps your mind fresh.”

What a more dynamic way to look at a group of habits than to simply conclude them a disadvantage (like, “You have too much stuff!”)

Readers of this book will find new ways to consider their personalities and daily habits. by identifying and pursuing areas of strength, a person can ultimately lead a more fulfilled lifestyle. -Peyton

Written by Misc

My Mom used to be organized, unflappable, and under control. Then us kids came along. Now our dear Mother doesn’t have a chance. between trying to keep up with us and her day job, not to mention whatever might be going on with Dad, she seems ready to pull her hair out. She claims she enjoys being our Mother, though sometimes she misses the easy life. the problem, she says, is that there’s no way she can keep everything straight and that sanity is a fleeting commodity.

We found a solution. It’s a 2010 Family Wall Pocket Organizer. Its a calendar with space to track 5 family member’s activities every day of the week plus tabs for important names and contact information. you don’t have to write every activity because there are over 400 little stickers to use for repeating activities. There is plenty of space for notes and it is magnetic so it sticks to the refrigerator but comes off easily for updates. it makes a big difference in our lives, and our dear Mom feels a little more under control. at least, she says, she can see all the problems in one place.

It’s an issue to get everyone to write their activities on the calendar, so we have a weekly family council to make sure we are coordinated. We love the little stickers and have started having fun with the planning time. it helps us be ready for those times when Mom has to be in 2 (or 3, or 4) places at the same time. There are some conflicts, but at least we know about them in advance.

There are several types of wall pocket organizers available on calendar websites on the internet. Each is developed for a slightly different type of situation, since every person is different and our needs for organizing change. for example, besides the organizer set up for busy families, there are several for busy mothers, some for helping an office staff to communicate, another specifically designed for couples, and one for a group of college roommates.

Some wall pocket organizers come with a specific theme, like horses, cats or dogs. that livens up a communications center a little more for some people.

To find just the right one for your situation get in a search engine and enter as many specific words as possible to describe what you are looking for. Organizer is not as good as family magnetic wall pocket organizer, cat pocket calendar or office organizer pocket calendar.

Its amazing sometimes how far out of control our lives can get, and how much a little planning, coordinating, and writing it down can lower our stress levels. a nice little Wall Pocket Organizer can make a BIG difference in our sanity.

Having come from a situation where BOTH of my parents used my brother and me as pawns in the divorce and pitted us against each other trying to turn us again the other parent, I deeply understand each element contained in Garder’s and Baker’s research and conclusions regarding PAS. I lived it. I experienced it. I had to overcome its devastating and damaging effects. To read that the scientific and legal legitimacy is questioned disturbs me.

First of all, regardless what LABEL is slapped on what happened to my brother and me in regard to brainwashing and manipulations by our parent to alienate the other, we underwent tremendous emotional abuse that was far stretching into four decades of our life. No matter what LABEL is attached to what happened, our parents blatantly tried to use my brother and me to hurt the other parent, and in the process, tried to turn us against the parent by telling us lies, embellishments, and scare tactics. TO THIS DAY: I don’t know if my mother broke all the windows in the house as my Dad lead us to believe– or did my Dad actually do it and pin it on my mother to scare us kids? I don’t know if my now step-father (at the time he was just my mother’s boyfriend / Dad’s ex-friend) actually pulled a gun on my Dad or did my Dad make this up to scare us kids? if my mother was actually violent as my Dad portrayed with testimonial tapes made by friends, private detective followings, and medical records. So, if the scientific legitimacy is questioned, therefore the courts don’t accept PAS as actual abuse to the child, then how else is the child protected and removed from the abuse? I understand that for the courts to recognize PAS as ‘scientific’: PAS must be based on methodology that can be or has been tested– the courts have determined that PAS does not meet the threshold requirement to qualify as scientific. I take issue with the court’s determination– not merely on their 4 part ‘test’ but also for the sake of the children who are caught up in the court system’s legal jargon and loop-holes. From the research I have performed, in the last 20 years the methodology of testing has been thorough and with depth & breadth. PAS must have been the subject of peer review and publication– PAS has been the subject of peer review and publication– simply look at Amy J.L. Baker’s body of work. she is the author or co-author of 3 books and over 45 peer reviewed articles. The known or potential rate of error (reliability and validity) of PAS– the reliability and validity of PAS is evidenced in the reality of its victims & their stories which fit perfectly into the constructs of PAS. some of the court’s comments about PAS’s reliability and validity stem from the emergence of PAS into general public. The court is discrediting the findings saying that PAS is in its initial stage of discovery and, therefore, can’t be determined reliable and valid. At this point, after 20 + years of more evidence, cases, and studies, PAS is as recognized as BPD (which was labeled around the same time). Does PAS enjoy general acceptance within the scientific community– since PAS is not a ‘mental disorder’ and doesn’t meet the criteria for a ‘mental illness’, the psychiatric community has shunned PAS. I don’t think PAS is mental disorder or illness. I believe it’s a SYMPTOM of an overlying disease, such as BPD, NPD, alcoholism, or drug addiction. In and of itself, I don’t think that PAS is a stand-alone disease. I think that during times of duress, PAS manifests itself. In other words, my Dad wouldn’t have a reason to turn my brother and me against my mother during happy times of their marriage. Not until my mother cheated on my Dad with his friend and he shuddered at the thought of her also getting us kids did he decide to turn us against her. Reciprocally, when my mother lost custody of us kids to my Dad, but then got us back, she waged an all out war against him to this day with a tool kit of alienating arsenal. In other words, if my parents didn’t have the mental and personality disorders, they may have had a copesectic divorce. but due to the disorders, the divorce dragged on, and each parent went into a pseudo-psychotic state– not taking any consideration of how their behavior ultimately effected the kids as they lived in a world of revenge and vengence. my mother to this day can’t talk about my Dad without copping a nutty– and my Dad continues to say that if my mother died tomorrow that he wouldn’t shed a tear. So does acceptance in the scientific community REALLY matter when a child is being abused? Does this really matter when a parent is being alienated from his / her beloved children? I understand this is a prong of the court’s test as evidence of legitimacy, but if the prevalence of this type of abuse is so profound as it has been discovered, don’t the children need protection? So rather than ditching PAS for whatever reason, shouldn’t the abuse be recognized and handled regardless? According to the courts, alternative factors to PAS for an expert to consider are (and some of these cracked me up because they are part & parcel of PAS… they are symptoms of PAS): developmentally normal separation problems deficits in the non-custodial parent’s skills (part of PAS: most alienating parents meet the diagnostic criteria for a personality disorder, a pervasive and distorted relational style, including narcissism and borderline personality. a related finding is that many of the alienating parents appeared to have features of narcissistic and/or have a borderline personality disorders, alcoholism, drug addiction. these parents usually have deficits in parenting skills due to how the disorder is manifested) oppositional behavior (part of PAS: children become the prize to be won or lost in what often becomes an escalating conflict, being used as pawns & turned against a parent in the process.) high-conflict divorce proceedings (part of PAS: during heated child custody situation, the prevalence of PAS is heightened) other serious emotional or medical problems of one family member (part of PAS: already mentioned above, parents with personality disorders, alcoholism, and drug addition are more likely to try to alienate the child from the other parent) child abuse (part of PAS: well, actually PAS is EMOTIONAL ABUSE. Period. So, looking to see if the situation is ‘child abuse’ rather than ‘PAS’ is simply splitting hairs.) inappropriate, unpredictable, or violent behavior by one parent (part of PAS: the brainwashing, manipulations, and scare tactics are just that– inappropriate and unpredictable) incidental causes, such as the child’s dislike of a parent’s new roommate or lover alienation by third parties the child’s unassisted manipulation of one or both parents fears for the absent parent’s welfare “The value of an expert’s contribution to the courts’ deliberations regarding children’s welfare should be based on clinically sound reasoning formulated from empirically derived data that will serve the best interest of the child and not on unsubstantiated hyperbole”– Parental Alienation Syndrom: Frye v Gardner. Hyperbole?? Finding all of the information and research about PAS was a HUGE revelation for me. PAS explained for what I have been searching for decade. PAS is EXACTLY what happened to me. Short term losses included a normal childhood, healthy relationships with parents, shattered attachment with parents, and more. Long term effects included but not limited to anxiety, feelings of intense guilt, fear, and confusion. for the court to take what could be so VALIDATING, so HEALING, so much of a REVELATION for a child that is in the midst of the damaging of effects of PAS is a complete shame. where the emotional abuse could be stopped in its tracks, the court would rather not hear about PAS.

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Gretel Ella Smith – About the Author:

Gretel Ella is featured on The Queen and King blog, which details her life with a Borderline Personality Disorder mother and a Narcissistic Personality Disorder Dad. Entries also include analysis of Borderline, Narcissistic, and Antisocial Personality Disorders, along with additional writings about her family relationships, Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), critical parents, enlightened witnesses, adults shamed in childhood, estrangement, and more.

In 1984, there was really only one person I wanted to be: Soleil Moon Frye. between the world’s coolest tree house, brightly colored socks and tapered jeans, and an adoring “dad” named Henry, Punky Brewster was every little girls’ idol. When I was about 8, I did a little acting and did a commercial for the actual Punky Brewster doll (Click HERE to watch… and make fun of me). who knew that 25 years later, I would meet Soleil and get to work with her on a web series dedicated to women and moms (Btw- SIDE note, do you think anyone in the 80′s would have believed you if you said, “one day, there will be an ‘intra-net.’ And there, we will ‘tweet’ each other and search each other’s names using a ‘search engine’ called ‘goooooogle’ and we will stalk old boyfriends and like each other’s photos by being friends on a ‘social networking site’ that’s not exactly a book, but it has a lot of faces….”)

ANYWAY, I digress… SOLEIL. When we met on the set of Her Say, I was instantly impressed by her charm, spunk, and savviness– especially with social media. Not only does this busy mom have 1.4 million twitter followers, but she’s Target’s Mommy Ambassador and now a budding author.

Her book HAPPY CHAOS: from Punky to Parenting and my Perfectly Imperfect Adventures in Between (on sale August 23, 2011) is a refreshing take on modern parenting that encourages moms to be themselves and to embrace the inevitable madness of raising kids and living a full life. Hello, relatable!

Soleil believes that “happy chaos” is a sign of a family operating at its best– when parents accept that they’ll make mistakes, there will be messes, tears and skinned knees. in fact, just the other night she tweeted that to get one of her daughters to bed, she had to bribe her with $5. Sounds like the morning I had involving “here’s a lollipop, now please brush your teeth.”

1) You’re so busy, how did you find the time to write your book? between kids, work, and marriage, did you have to stick to a schedule?

I’m so crazed during the day with the kids and juggling work, that my time to sit down and write ends up being the middle of the night. I’m lucky because I am often inspired at midnight hard part is living on 3 or 4 hours of sleep.

2) My motto in parenting has definitely become “Whatever works.” what are some of the things you thought you’d never/always do (always organic, never TV etc) that went right out of the window the minute you had kids and life got a little crazier?

I always thought that I’d be this super laid back hippie mama and then when I had kids, I realized that we aren’t always the parents we think we will be before we have children. Now I try to find the balance in everything so while I buy my kid’s wooden natural toys, they also play with Barbies.

3) We’ve talked a lot about unplugging and how technology can get in the way of a relationship. How has technology affected your parenting? do your daughters understand your connection and time spent on Twitter/ Facebook etc?

My girls are obsessed with technology. Jagger literally goes up to the Television and tries to move it as if it were an iPad. We try our best to balance so when we are having dinner or having quality time with our children we put away the devices.

4) Let’s talk clothes. You’re always so put together and cute. How much thought goes in to what you put on? Are your wardrobe decisions based on body, function, kids, work, etc?

I’m lucky if I walk out of the door without my clothes on inside out! if I ever have to get all dolled up, you can bet that on my way out the door in my tallest fanciest shoes, I will 100% hit the floor.

5) Okay, I saw recently that your number one crush in the ’80′s was “Jake” from 16 Candles (Once again, I knew that we had so much in common). but I’m dying to know, as a child/teen star yourself (in the 80′s & 90′s) were your walls also covered with Tiger Beat, Bop, Teen Beat etc.? who were the boys that covered your walls?

I had head shots all over my wall. I was actually just looking at pictures of my room from that time period and I had a hot pink neon light and the walls were covered with everyone from Johnny Depp to James Dean. Lots of Boys. I was truly boy crazy.

Happy Chaos comes out August 23rd. Order your pre-sale copy today! CLICK HERE!